Braunstein Speaks

The Sixty Thousand Dollar Man

I have noticed that where I used to be good for a column every day, lately I’m lucky to produce three or four a week. I could make the argument that everything I have predicted has come true, but most of these magical prognoses have also been seen by other seers.

Maybe I’m just tired of making the same points about global warming, politics, and American Idol—yeah, like I’d even watch American Idol.

I really feel that my lack of output is that I am preoccupied with literally, a life-changing event next week. I’ve had surgery before, and it always seemed to follow the same formula. It begins with my counting backward from 100, and the next thing I know, I am aware of people hovering over me in the recovery room.

After a few days hospital stay, and the removal of the bandages, I went back to life as I’ve always known it, maybe a little slower for a while; but even that passes. No more.

This time, most of me is coming home from the hospital, but most of my right leg is traveling north to check out the family burial plot.

I am going to have to learn new life-skills. I’ve no idea how one handles ablutions and other daily activities with only one leg. I do know how difficult it’s been over the last few years with limited use of my right leg, but from now on I won’t even be able to use it for a prop.

While I look forward to this new challenge in my life, and I expect plenty of help from family and professionals, there are still many unknowns. An amputated leg takes about 30 days to heal, and during that time I will learn to get around on crutches. After the healing is complete, I will be referred to a prosthetist who will fit me with today’s version of a wooden leg.

A modern prosthesis for a transfemoral (above the knee) amputation has four basic parts: The socket fits over the stump and transfers weight to the knee. There are various types of knees on the market; some more sophisticated than others.

Next comes a pylon—a shaft-like extension that couples with the foot. Although, like knees, there are many types of prosthetic feet and ankles, most are covered with a synthetic skin-like material that looks like a foot.

Most of you over 40 will remember the Six Million Dollar Man; you know, the old guy who now sells cheap hearing aids on cable TV.

Like Superman, Steve Austin was able to use his bionic arm to lift many times his own weight. Today, I’m sure that Steve Austin would be the Six Billion Dollar Man with the Democrats in power, but I wonder if I could use my new bionic leg to kick bad guys down the block—in slow motion, of course.

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