Braunstein Speaks

Groundhog Day

We secretly dispatched Braunstein Speaks correspondent Achmed Katz to Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania a few days ago to interview Punxsutawney Phil, the world’s most famous groundhog.

Most of the interview was conducted in Phil’s quarters in the basement of City Hall last evening, but Achmed got Phil to say a few words after his prediction this morning of six more weeks of winter.

Achmed Katz: First of all Phil, it’s a pleasure to meet you. How do you feel about being the most famous rodent in the world?

Punxsutawney Phil: First of all Mr. Katz, I am a sciurid; specifically a member of the genus “Marmota.” We resent being called rodents. In fact, we refer to it as the “R-word.”

AK: I apologize for any offense; I didn’t know.

PP: No problem, but you should also know that “Phil” is a only my stage name. My real name is Seymour.

AK: Well, anyway Seymour, I’d like to get to the issue, which is your reputation as, I believe they say it, “Seer of seers, and prognosticator of prognosticators.” How did you or any other groundhog get the reputation for predicting how long winter will last?

PP: I really have no idea how it started, but I was raised to the calling. It’s in the family, you see. My father used to do it before he got glaucoma about six years ago, and I remember my grandfather forecasting the weather when I was a little cub.

AK: So all groundhogs have this talent?

PP: I guess so, but to tell you the truth, I think it’s fixed. Mr. Hughes and Mr. Griffiths, who announce my findings, are either hard of hearing or don’t really understand the language. Today, they called it as I saw it, but last year they just made it up. Dad told me that in his day, they tried to get him to predict global warming or some such garbage.

Listen: I saw my shadow and I dived back into my hole. That’s what we groundhogs do. What do I know about how long winter will last? What am I, a weather maven?

AK: Do you have any parting thoughts?

PP: Yeah, Achmed. This is a good gig, and my hot momma over there just had a litter of two. It’s nice to have a profession to hand down to the kids, you know; especially in this economy.

AK: Thanks, Seymour.

PP: No prob.

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